Sarcasm, just one more service I offer

Think I'm sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

Mom likes me best.

I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optimist with experience.

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was mistaken.

To save time, let’s just assume I know everything.

I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.

I don't know everything, just everything worth knowing.

I don't know it all, but I do know most of it.

I am the Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.

"Because I said so" is a perfectly good reason.

I hate the fact that people don't salute me.

A credit to my species

My sister has the best sister in the world.

Approaching magnificence

My beauty is exceeded only by my charm.

My humility is near perfect.

My halo is temporarily out of order.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Always being right is an awesome responsibility.

I have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.

Whatever it is, I didn't do it.

I've decided to outsource my diet and exercise.

My other body is in the shop.

I worked my butt off, but it followed me home.

I want to retire, but I have to get a job first.

I'm retired, but I work part-time as a pain in the butt.

Retirement: I wake up with nothing to do. By bedtime I haven't done half of it.

I don't mind pain. I do mind futility.

Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't have to be present.

I'm not indifferent. I just don't care.

Since I gave up hope, I feel much better.

Some days all I want to be is a missing person.

I'd rather be in my pajamas.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you met my family you would understand.

I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Have you seen my mind? I just had it.

I am NOT a pack rat!  I'm a Collector.

I'm not a NAG. I'm a motivational speaker.

I am the Cat Whisperer.

Deadlines amuse me.

I'm so far behind I thought I was first.

I just haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is done.

Hello. My name is Utter...Utter Chaos.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

I'm having a good day. Please stay out of it.

I’m right. He’s wrong. End of story.

Compromise? Who? Me?

Do I look like a people person?

Do I look like I’m kidding?

Do I look like someone who cares?

All I want is everything. Is that a problem?

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

Do I look like an ATM?

I can listen to him for hours…and never hear a thing.

No, no, it's OK. I'm interrupted by morons all the time.

Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say, "Nuts to them!"

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

49 going, going, GONE!

Older Than Dirt: Genuine American Antique

I can't hear you. Old age has some benefits.

How Old I Art!

Yeah, I'm old, but at least I made it.

I'm old enough to know better, but still too young to care.

I don't tan. I rust.

Intellect is my concealed weapon.

Mom said I was destined for greatness. Destiny is so overrated.

Any minute now I'll jump in with pointless observations.

It sounded better in my head.

Stop me before I volunteer again!

If I had a life, I wouldn't be here.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

333...I'm only half evil.

667...evil and then some.

I don't do perky.

I’ve seen normal. It ain’t pretty.

I'm confused. Wait...maybe I'm not.

Oh, my aching ID!

Selective listener

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

My family tree is full of nuts.

I am a dreamer, which is why I sleep at work.

At my age even my birthday suit needs pressing.

My back goes out more than I do.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I may be old, but I'm not technologically obsolete.

I started with nothing! I have most of it left.

Nobody knows the trouble I've been.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!

I'm not only pushing 50, I'm kicking its butt!

I'm not over the hill; I'm just picking up speed.

I'm so over the hill that I don't even remember crossing it.

Over the hill? What hill? I don't remember any hill.

I'm so far over the hill I've started up the next one.

I have no idea what I am doing out of bed.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

I never get lost. People always tell me where to go.

I'm lost, but I'm making good time.

I can walk on water...as long as it's frozen.

I'm planning to be more spontaneous in the future.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I took an IQ test, and the results were negative.

My mind is like a steel whatchamacallit.

I wish I knew then what I know now, that I just forgot.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK…they know me here.

I took the Road Less Traveled and got to work on time.

I start working when the caffeine does.

I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes now.

You don't get a body like this by working out.

I know I came into this room for a reason.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on disk somewhere.

The second thing to go is the mind. I can’t remember what the first one is.

My mind's been gone for years. I hardly miss it.

I can't remember what I forgot to forget.

My computer has more memory than I do.

The memory's gone, but I can still retain water.

My therapist thinks I’m a scream.

I have multiple personalities, and none of them like you.

Just be happy I am not a twin!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.

Warning: I have gas and I know how to use it!

There's a madness to my method.

Sometimes I wonder..."Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" And then it hits me.

Its uncredible how well I am at grammer.

Jenius

I am not in denial.

I'm O.C.D. Old, Cranky & Demented!

If it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done.

It’s not whether you win or lose…it’s whether I win or lose.

i'm never rong

I'm 99% perfect.

I fall short of absolute perfection.

I am not perfect, but parts of me are INCREDIBLE!

I’m actually quite pleasant until I’m awake.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

I will conquer my procrastination problem...Just you wait!

I am not antisocial. I'm just not user friendly.

Because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Very affectionate…on an as-needed basis

Wrinkled was NOT one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

I exercise religiously. Every morning I sit up and pray for strength.

I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk.

Things to do today: get up, survive, go back to bed.

I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I'm not a morning person. I'm a coffee person.

I'm an evening person in a morning world.

My computer beats me at chess. I beat it at kick boxing.

I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's the bathroom!

Pan Ellhnikon estin moi.

Yes, it IS always about me.

Feline groovy

Cattitude

My cat is lazier than your cat.

The cat never disappoints me.

The cat said I'm dismissive and sarcastic. What does he know? He's only 10" tall.

Every life should have nine cats.

Cats are like potato chips...it's hard to have just one!

My significant other goes "meow."

Litter Queen

My cats knead me.

You’re not the boss of me. My cats are.

My cat's fatter than your cat.

One can never have too many cats.

What part of MEOW don't you understand?

Agenda for the day

	Pet the cat
	Be ignored
	Pet the cat
	Be ignored
	Pet the cat

C@

If YOU don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

When all else fails, hug the cat.

Talk to the paw.

I wish the cat had a snooze button.

Everything I know about sarcasm I learned from my cats.

Women & Cats will do as they darn well please...men are just going to have to get used to it!

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be left alone.

Your prayers have been answered: I'm here.

Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?

Challenge authority. Just not now.

If the shoe fits, get another just like it.

Just pretend I'm not here. That's what I'm doing.

Stick around. It gets worse.

Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.

Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanent.

Procrastinate...NOW!

Start each day with a smile and get it out of the way.

Tell me again how lucky I am to work here. I keep forgetting.

You don't have to be crazy to work here. We'll train you!

When I want pointless conversation, I'll let you know.

You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.

Complain to yourself. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Exactly what is your problem?

Where's the switch that turns you off?

You can either agree with me or be wrong!

Let's agree to disagree and agree you'll pay for it later.

The good news: I was right. The better news: you were wrong.

When I want your opinion I will give it to you.

Prepare to bow before my invincible irony and sarcasm.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

I didn't say it was your FAULT; I said I was going to BLAME you.

You’ll always be my best friend. You know too much.

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand.

You don't make sense often. Today might be the day.

You’re starting to make sense….It’s time to up my medication.

I know where you're coming from...and I can't wait for you to go back there.

If you're happy and you know it, see a shrink!

If you’re happy and you know it, go away!

Therapy is expensive; popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Forget a therapist! What you need is an exorcist.

Have a nice day! Just leave me out of it.

Let's have lunch. I can't afford therapy.

I’d love to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Where have you been all my life and why didn't you stay there?

Drink coffee...do stupid things faster and with more energy.

Here's a little hint: I DON'T CARE!

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

Just pretend I 'm not here. That's what I'm doing.

If you don't believe in Santa, you get underwear.

Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.

My aim is to keep this bathroom clean. Your aim would help.

Don't worry! I forgot your name, too.

Looks like your air bag didn't deploy in time.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

And your point is...?

Ever considered becoming a mime?

If I am talking, you should be taking notes.

Ignore everything I say. We’ll both be happier that way.

Don't act stupid! We have politicians for that.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

Caution: You are in the "whatever" zone.

I’ve stopped listening. Why haven’t you stopped talking?

I may not hear you, but I probably don't want to either.

When you speak, all I hear is STATIC.

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.

Keep talking...I always yawn when I'm interested.

Be careful, or you will end up in my novel.

Pick one:  A. I don't know.  B. I don't care.

Take my advice—I’m not using it.

Change is good....You go first.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

You're not bothering me. It's way beyond that.

Your cell phone makes you twice as annoying.

When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.

If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk!

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

There are days when it takes all you've got to keep up with the losers.

Your opinion, although interesting, is irrelevant.

No need to yell. I still won't listen.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

You are not grown up until you run out of birthdays.

Don't do what I do but do do what I don't do.

If you think no one cares, try missing a few payments.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

I smell something burning. Have you been thinking again?

You remind me of someone….I don’t like him either.

I liked you better when I didn't know you.

Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Keep staring at me. I might do a trick.

Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

Don't tell me to relax. Stress is the glue that holds me together.

No, I will not fix your computer.

Your village called. Their idiot is missing.

I used to think you were a moron. Now, I have a much lower opinion of you.

Earth is full. Go home!

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Do you want to talk to the man in charge or the woman who knows what's going on?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Are you a side effect of my medication?

Have you seen my marbles?

Do you really think they're laughing with you?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Did the wizard ever get back to you about that brain?

Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?

I don't believe in miracles. I depend on them.

The three best things about heaven: location, location, location.

Work for God. The retirement benefits are great!

Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

No one is ever old enough to know better.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!

Things you say are called "opinions." Things I say are called "facts."

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

Many people have photographic memories; some just don't have any film.

AM stands for "Ain't Moving."

Women do come with instructions. Just ask them.

Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

Today was a total waste of make-up!

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful!

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

Don't let reality interfere with happiness.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

Hear it let's for dyslexia!

Some people have a way with words. Others not have way.

Three out of four doctors recommend other doctors.

By the time you learn the rules of life you're too old to play the game.

So many socks...not enough mates

A big mouth is a sign of a big brain.

If you're too open-minded, your brain will fall out.

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body...then only the LEFT-HANDED are in their right minds!

Ignorance is not a barrier to self-expression.

If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If you want something done, tell a man that he's too old to do it.

Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.

Heck is where people go who do not believe in gosh.

Friends don’t let friends trade spaces.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Mama said there’d be decades like this.

Life was better when we didn't know what the government was up to.

Retirement is twice as much husband and half as much money.

Errors have been made. Others are to blame.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's around to appreciate it.

Department of Redundancy Department

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Born to shop. Forced to work.

Equal Opportunity ANNOYER!

Allergy Alert! This T-shirt may contain a NUT.

It's not nice to laugh at other people. It's just fun.

Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Even if the voices are not real, they have some pretty good ideas.

DANGER: Mouth operates faster than brain.

Log·ic (loj'ik), n. 1. the art of being wrong with confidence.

Whatever hits the fan will be distributed evenly.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

53.7% of all statistics are made up.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

Dain bramaged

Hi I.Q.

Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

Still young enough to know everything

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Textually Active ; )

"Good morning" is an oxymoron.

Wisdom comes with age. Sometimes age comes alone.

Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Be kind to your children. (They pick your nursing home.)

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

What the country needs is more unemployed politicians.

When you are right, no one remembers. When you are wrong, no one forgets.

It's lonely being right all the time.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

Talking to yourself is OK...at least somebody's listening.

Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Some days you're the bug. Other days you're the windshield.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Instant human: just add coffee

Doolittle & Loafmore: Retirement Planning

It's not shopping. It's retail therapy.

Carbo Diem (seize the carbohydrates)

Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

National Sarcasm Society: Like We Need Your Support

Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Cereal killer

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.

Eschew obfuscation.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and plot your revenge.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

When all else fails, tell the truth and run.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.

Working hard to create new and exotic fragrances...

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Witches are good spellers.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

Kids: the gift that keeps on taking.

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Life without music would B flat.

What we need is a patch for human stupidity.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

If life is a journey, shouldn't you be moving along?

Why can't negative numbers be more positive?

Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

Why be difficult? With a little effort you can be impossible.

We have enough youth--how about a fountain of Smart?

If men are from Mars, why don’t they go home?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If the speed of light is 983,571,088 feet per second, what is the speed of dark?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about?

Can microwave popcorn without burning it?

Did you hear that someone stole all the toilets in Detroit? Really? Yes, and the police have nothing to go on.

Behind every great woman...is a man checking out her butt.

Where's the Rapture when you need it?

Post-Rapture Milk Carton: Have you seen these people?